December 2010
372 posts
People who don't 'get' Seinfeld.
Look, I know Jerry Seinfeld himself is kind of douchey at times, but if you don’t understand observational humor and read it as negative “complaining” instead of light-hearted kvetching, then damn. You don’t understand AN ENTIRE TYPE of humor. That really sucks for you, man.
In which I thank feminism, call out assholes, discuss booty bass and the Madonna/whore dichotomy, and feel optimistic for 2011.
Tumblr confession time: I spent years battling Body Dismorphic Disorder and disordered eating. People don’t really believe me because I never became super skinny, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t totally fucked up about food and body image.
Today, I started feeling a bit down about my weight. To be honest, I looked at a picture of Blake Lively looking super gorgeous, and I thought “Wow, didn’t it feel way better to be thin, than it does to be fat?” And then I started mindlessly surfing some “thinspiration” (a term in the pro-ana community, of which I’m familiar) Tumblrs for, well, thinspiration.
Until on one of the blogs, I read “If you binge, you’ll end up looking like those disgusting, fat, ghetto & trailer-trash hookers on Jerry Springer!” And I was like, “Holy shit, that’s incredibly classist, and not to mention not all low-income women are sex workers — which I do not appreciate hearing as a stereotype OR insult.” It made me realize how much feminism, and my involvement in related movements, has changed my perspective over the past few years. I almost fell back into my old behavior before feminism helped snap me out of it. I also realized that I looked fine, and beautiful.
So I’m thankful that I’ve learned to love myself. I’m also thankful to be dating someone who looks at my body like that of a golden goddess instead of making derogatory (or even just passive-aggressive) comments like previous boyfriends and crushes. Gee, they wonder where a girl could get body image issues from? Oh wait, I remember now, it’s because I was a size 6-8 and PERFECTLY FUCKING HEALTHY even when hearing nicknames like “Heifer”. Not to mention family members who called me things like “fugly pear”. Keep in mind I was 5’2” and 135 pounds. What the fuck is wrong with people?!
I’m a size 12 now. I don’t really fit into any of my old clothes very well, which is my main motivation to lose weight — otherwise, if I had the money, I’d just chill about it and buy some new pieces. All of my weight goes directly to my butt, which makes Nicki Minaj’s look like Hank Hill’s. I live in Brooklyn by way of Fort Lauderdale, so you’d better believe that these cities taught me to be proud of my ass. Obviously, I listen to cheesy ass-celebrating booty bass hip-hop to celebrate. For example, Trina’s “Pull Over”, which has Trick Daddy in the chorus shouting “Whoop whoop! Pull over, that ass is too fat!” In this song, having a fat ass is something Trina brags about with aggressive sexual bravado. But I digress. Unfortunately, gluteal growth, this means that all of my skirts and dresses have been lifted by it, and are waaaaaaaay too short. They fit nicely elsewhere, but I can’t bend over. My boobs also went from Bs to Cs, which means that I’m spilling out of everything up front. That’s not good for my work wardrobe, though I now realize why so many of my students had crushes on me this semester.
Regardless, curvy women are perceived as “slutty” in our society, while alternatively, less curvy women are considered “chaste”. Typical Madonna/whore dichotomy used to shame women for what they can’t control. Which is terrible for both teams, because curvy women may not be taken seriously in the workplace even if they can’t help that their pantsuit fits that way, while non-curvy women may wish to be considered more sexual. I personally do not want to look like I’m trying to be sexy at all when applying for jobs this month, because I don’t want to be judged and hired based on my appearance and later harassed by the management, as what happened when I worked at RadioShack. (Never shop there, by the way.) I want to look presentable and fashionable, and be judged for my merits. I’m not saying I’m the sexiest woman on Earth or am even close, but harassment can happen to anyone, and my tight clothes could provide fodder for victim-blaming pieces of shit to use against me. That might sound ridiculous to some, but I know a number of women for whom that would hit home. I mean, shit, I even look like fucking Joan from Mad Men.
So, until I get more money for work clothes, I’m going to have to try my hardest to lose weight and fit back into the old ones. I’m confident that I will be able to do this in a healthy manner with as little self-loathing as possible — nothing but positivity and health in mind. I refuse to sign up for a gym where they might scam me out of money (thanks, Crunch!) or try to sell me shit I don’t need. I’m going to work out at home and around my neighborhood, doing what I can on what money I have. I’m going to try my hardest to find cheap low-fat recipes and not be suckered into spending more than I can afford on Whole Foods or other overpriced, bland garbage. I am going to do what’s best for my physical, financial, and above all, mental health.
Fuck yeah, 2011.
New Year's Eve Itinerary
Plans for today:
-Put pants on
-Smoke a bowl (I never, ever do this during the day)
-Play with my cat
-Get a falafel from the Turkish place downstairs
-Drink caffeine in one form or another
-Watch Gossip Girl while doing all the dishes (PRODUCTIVE TASK OF THE DAY - I HAVE NO DISHWASHER)
-Shower
-Get boyfriend to buy cheap champagne on his way home from work
-Order pizza
-Smoke again
-Fuck
-Watch the ball drop
Whatever. I’ll have three college degrees at 23, and have spent most of my academic career working hard while going to school full time. It’s okay for me to be completely fucking lazy sometimes, right? Right.
your blog has easily became one of my favorites.
This is another one I haven’t answered in forever because I’m at a loss. Apparently, you appreciate what I can only describe as my mind-vomit, and I’m grateful for it. Thank you!
No Easy Decision: MTV Does Abortchat →
mtv.com
I am really, really impressed with MTV for doing this special, finally. I think that they did a really great job of openly and honestly portraying the realities of abortion for teenagers in the United States. Dr. Drew kept himself in check and let the women speak for themselves. At the end of the show, all of the women agreed that abortion should not be stigmatized and encouraged others to speak out about their experiences - which made it kind of depressing that the special aired at 11:30pm (and that it was a special to begin with, rather than a part of the regular 16 & Pregnant series because abortion is a part of being 16 & Pregnant, obviously). So while I commend MTV for doing this and doing it well, I think it would be really great if they stood by the show and re-aired it at 4pm and during prime time. (If you didn’t catch it, you can watch it at the link up there and I really think that you should.)
Finally, “reality” TV that depicts the reality for 1 in 3 women under 45.
Statistically, that’s a hell of a lot higher than the number of women in America who lead the Jersey Shore lifestyle.
Perpetual Outsider: You know what would be GREAT? →
splatterdick.tumblr.com
If I could find a hairdresser who doesn’t try to pressure me into straightening my hair. They’re like,
“OMG! AND THEN WE’LL FLAT IRON IT!”
and I’m like, “NO WE WON’T!”
And then they go on trying to convince me about how the cut will be more dramatic and the color will be…
YES.
Also, stop trying to get me to make my curls all crunchy with chemical bullshit. If I wanted my hair to always look wet, I’d go live in the fucking Splash Zone at Sea World.
Perpetual Outsider: So, how would you learn English? →
splatterdick.tumblr.com
Go on, explain to me how simple it is. How would you learn English in the U.S.?
How would you?
You got your plan of action?
Cool. Now adjust your plan of action for someone working a full-time job and statistically likely to be strapped for cash and maybe they have a kid or two.
Perpetual Outsider: Asking for it? As If! →
splatterdick.tumblr.com
We recently had a flurry of comments by an anti-feminist troll a few weeks ago. One of the tactics he trotted out was to ask “wouldn’t you blame the home-owner for having their house broken into, if they had left it unlocked?” The problem is that the only thing these two…
That awkward moment when Stephanie Meyer and Sarah Palin pretend to know what feminism is.
Actually, it’s Stephenie Meyer WHICH IS THE WORST FUCKING SPELLING OF THAT NAME.
And I’m a Stefanie. BUT AT LEAST IT’S FUCKING PHONETIC.
If you do a Google Image search for the number '241543903', you will find out why the human race is so fantastic.
Google Image Search, I am disappoint.
Seriously, NO ONE has a Lisa Frank-themed tattoo sleeve?
I’ll get one done if you pay me.
The Ice of Boston
The Dismemberment Plan
The Dismemberment Plan - “The Ice of Boston”
Pop open a third bottle of bubbly!
Yeah, and I take that bottle of champagne
Go into the kitchen, stand in front of the kitchen window
And I take all my clothes off, take that bottle of champagne
And I pour it on my head, feel it cascade through my hair
And across my chest, and the phone rings.
And it’s my mother.
And she says “HI HONEY, HOW’S BOSTON?!”
And I stand there, all alone on New Year’s Eve
Buck naked, drenched in champagne, looking at a bunch of strangers
Uh, looking at them, looking at me, looking at them, and I say:
“OH, I’M FINE, MOM! HOW’S WASHINGTON?!”
Names people need to stop using for their kids:
1. Every Tucker is an insufferable douchebag. There’s a reason it rhymes with “fucker”.
2. Jayden/Aiden/Caiden. The only acceptable form of this name is Iron M’Aiden.
3. Blaine. No one wants to be named Blaine. Don’t do that to someone.
4. McKayla/Mackayla/Makayla/Mackensie/Mckenna. These names were cute at first until they were overdone, and now you’re going to have entire classes of kindergarteners turning around whenever they hear someone begin to say “Mc”. And most of the time, it will just end in “Donalds”.
5. Angel/Christian. In case the kid grows up to be an atheist, or an asshole. Plus, you don’t see anyone naming their kid Jewish or Buddhist.
In related news, I just made a Facebook status about how Jayden/Aiden are horrible, and my cousin whose kid’s middle name is Jaeden responded. OH WELL. I FUCKED UP.
Think women have achieved equality? Think again. →
blog.shrub.com
We Can’t Be Equal While:
- Men are the default and women are the Other (and therefore lesser).
- Being called “girly” or a “sissy” or “pussy” are some of the worst insults you can give a man.
- When a woman shows confidence in herself, she is said to “have balls”, or conversely she is a “man-eater”, “ball-buster”, or a “bitch” because she was “too” assertive.
- Men are beat up, ridiculed, or made fun of for being “effeminate” and women are beat up, ridiculed, or made fun of for being “masculine”.
- Many people get angry when a woman questions the intentions behind a “chivalrous” act from a man.
- There are men who refuse “chivalrous” acts from a woman, such as refusing to walk through a door that a woman holds open for them, while believing that it is rude for a woman to exercise the same right to refuse.
- Women can’t express anger without the very real fear of being accused of “hysterics” or being “shrill”.
- Women get scolded for “un-ladylike” behaviour: using coarse language, talking frankly about sex or other “impolite” topics, confidently voicing one’s dissenting opinion, etc.
- People continue to believe and perpetuate gender essentialism based on bad science or using actual studies to “prove” the innateness of gender roles when the study itself supports no such thing.
- For different-sex couples, women are expected to take their husband’s name, or at the very least hyphenate, but many men still balk at the idea of even considering adopting their wife’s name. If a woman decides to keep her name, both partners are interrogated and shamed by friends and family.
- For same-sex couples, people think it is okay to ask “who’s the woman/man of the couple?”
- Women are seen as the “gatekeepers” to morality/sexuality, charged with the duty of fending off the advances of men. If they fail then they were “asking for” it and/or are “damaged goods”. Their clothing/actions will always be questioned to see if they were “leading on” the man at all.
- Men are seen as “beasts” who are unable to control their “raging hormones” – which absolves them of guilt for “improper” sex (anything from date rape to sex outside of marriage) but also paints them as uncivilized brutes.
- Women are “sluts”, men are “players”.
- Women’s worth goes down according to how many sexual partners people think she has had.
- Men’s worth goes up according to how many sexual partners people think he has had.
- We live in a rape culture where many people continue to blame the victims of rape and domestic violence.
- We buy into the myth that all men (even minors) are, at all times, willing to fuck a “gorgeous” woman and any man who would pass up sex with a remotely attractive woman is deserving of ridicule.
- Wives/mothers are still expected to do most of the home/childcare, even if they have a job outside the home.
- Fathers/husbands are seen as bumbling dolts who are mentally incapable of cooking, cleaning, taking care of the children, or any other traditionally feminine task.
- There are significantly more stay-at-home moms than there are dads.
- Men are expected to pay on a date, and some men expect women to put out for this “service”.
Read more @ source
Reblog if you engage in a common habit in an alternative manner from the typical way.
I am a unique and special snowflake because of the way I do this thing.
“Get fruity! A mashed banana or peaches inserted in your vagina is a delightful invitation for him to whoosh his penis around in it! Once you climax, switch to 69 position for sweet afters.”
—
- Cosmopolitan Ultimate Sex Guide.
Is this a real Cosmo sex tip? I’m not sure it is, because it doesn’t involve playing with his balls.
(via dirtylittlecity)
Nothing says sexy like a yeast infection.
(via thedominantparadigm)
OH COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNN, ARE THEY SERIOUS?
That’s nasty. I do not want a yeast infection. No thanks. And besides, my man’s Dong Draper is so huge that if I tried this, all of the fruit would start coming out my ears and I’d look like bizarre, writhing version of the Chiquita banana chick.
