Look, I know Jerry Seinfeld himself is kind of douchey at times, but if you don’t understand observational humor and read it as negative “complaining” instead of light-hearted kvetching, then damn. You don’t understand AN ENTIRE TYPE of humor. That really sucks for you, man.
Tumblr confession time: I spent years battling Body Dismorphic Disorder and disordered eating. People don’t really believe me because I never became super skinny, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t totally fucked up about food and body image.
Today, I started feeling a bit down about my weight. To be honest, I looked at a picture of Blake Lively looking super gorgeous, and I thought “Wow, didn’t it feel way better to be thin, than it does to be fat?” And then I started mindlessly surfing some “thinspiration” (a term in the pro-ana community, of which I’m familiar) Tumblrs for, well, thinspiration.
Until on one of the blogs, I read “If you binge, you’ll end up looking like those disgusting, fat, ghetto & trailer-trash hookers on Jerry Springer!” And I was like, “Holy shit, that’s incredibly classist, and not to mention not all low-income women are sex workers — which I do not appreciate hearing as a stereotype OR insult.” It made me realize how much feminism, and my involvement in related movements, has changed my perspective over the past few years. I almost fell back into my old behavior before feminism helped snap me out of it. I also realized that I looked fine, and beautiful.
So I’m thankful that I’ve learned to love myself. I’m also thankful to be dating someone who looks at my body like that of a golden goddess instead of making derogatory (or even just passive-aggressive) comments like previous boyfriends and crushes. Gee, they wonder where a girl could get body image issues from? Oh wait, I remember now, it’s because I was a size 6-8 and PERFECTLY FUCKING HEALTHY even when hearing nicknames like “Heifer”. Not to mention family members who called me things like “fugly pear”. Keep in mind I was 5’2” and 135 pounds. What the fuck is wrong with people?!
I’m a size 12 now. I don’t really fit into any of my old clothes very well, which is my main motivation to lose weight — otherwise, if I had the money, I’d just chill about it and buy some new pieces. All of my weight goes directly to my butt, which makes Nicki Minaj’s look like Hank Hill’s. I live in Brooklyn by way of Fort Lauderdale, so you’d better believe that these cities taught me to be proud of my ass. Obviously, I listen to cheesy ass-celebrating booty bass hip-hop to celebrate. For example, Trina’s “Pull Over”, which has Trick Daddy in the chorus shouting “Whoop whoop! Pull over, that ass is too fat!” In this song, having a fat ass is something Trina brags about with aggressive sexual bravado. But I digress. Unfortunately, gluteal growth, this means that all of my skirts and dresses have been lifted by it, and are waaaaaaaay too short. They fit nicely elsewhere, but I can’t bend over. My boobs also went from Bs to Cs, which means that I’m spilling out of everything up front. That’s not good for my work wardrobe, though I now realize why so many of my students had crushes on me this semester.
Regardless, curvy women are perceived as “slutty” in our society, while alternatively, less curvy women are considered “chaste”. Typical Madonna/whore dichotomy used to shame women for what they can’t control. Which is terrible for both teams, because curvy women may not be taken seriously in the workplace even if they can’t help that their pantsuit fits that way, while non-curvy women may wish to be considered more sexual. I personally do not want to look like I’m trying to be sexy at all when applying for jobs this month, because I don’t want to be judged and hired based on my appearance and later harassed by the management, as what happened when I worked at RadioShack. (Never shop there, by the way.) I want to look presentable and fashionable, and be judged for my merits. I’m not saying I’m the sexiest woman on Earth or am even close, but harassment can happen to anyone, and my tight clothes could provide fodder for victim-blaming pieces of shit to use against me. That might sound ridiculous to some, but I know a number of women for whom that would hit home. I mean, shit, I even look like fucking Joan from Mad Men.
So, until I get more money for work clothes, I’m going to have to try my hardest to lose weight and fit back into the old ones. I’m confident that I will be able to do this in a healthy manner with as little self-loathing as possible — nothing but positivity and health in mind. I refuse to sign up for a gym where they might scam me out of money (thanks, Crunch!) or try to sell me shit I don’t need. I’m going to work out at home and around my neighborhood, doing what I can on what money I have. I’m going to try my hardest to find cheap low-fat recipes and not be suckered into spending more than I can afford on Whole Foods or other overpriced, bland garbage. I am going to do what’s best for my physical, financial, and above all, mental health.
Fuck yeah, 2011.
Plans for today:
-Put pants on
-Smoke a bowl (I never, ever do this during the day)
-Play with my cat
-Get a falafel from the Turkish place downstairs
-Drink caffeine in one form or another
-Watch Gossip Girl while doing all the dishes (PRODUCTIVE TASK OF THE DAY - I HAVE NO DISHWASHER)
-Get boyfriend to buy cheap champagne on his way home from work
-Watch the ball drop
Whatever. I’ll have three college degrees at 23, and have spent most of my academic career working hard while going to school full time. It’s okay for me to be completely fucking lazy sometimes, right? Right.
This is another one I haven’t answered in forever because I’m at a loss. Apparently, you appreciate what I can only describe as my mind-vomit, and I’m grateful for it. Thank you!
Actually, it’s Stephenie Meyer WHICH IS THE WORST FUCKING SPELLING OF THAT NAME.
And I’m a Stefanie. BUT AT LEAST IT’S FUCKING PHONETIC.
Seriously, NO ONE has a Lisa Frank-themed tattoo sleeve?
I’ll get one done if you pay me.
1. Every Tucker is an insufferable douchebag. There’s a reason it rhymes with “fucker”.
2. Jayden/Aiden/Caiden. The only acceptable form of this name is Iron M’Aiden.
3. Blaine. No one wants to be named Blaine. Don’t do that to someone.
4. McKayla/Mackayla/Makayla/Mackensie/Mckenna. These names were cute at first until they were overdone, and now you’re going to have entire classes of kindergarteners turning around whenever they hear someone begin to say “Mc”. And most of the time, it will just end in “Donalds”.
5. Angel/Christian. In case the kid grows up to be an atheist, or an asshole. Plus, you don’t see anyone naming their kid Jewish or Buddhist.
In related news, I just made a Facebook status about how Jayden/Aiden are horrible, and my cousin whose kid’s middle name is Jaeden responded. OH WELL. I FUCKED UP.
I am a unique and special snowflake because of the way I do this thing.
- Cosmopolitan Ultimate Sex Guide.
Is this a real Cosmo sex tip? I’m not sure it is, because it doesn’t involve playing with his balls.
Nothing says sexy like a yeast infection.
OH COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNN, ARE THEY SERIOUS?
That’s nasty. I do not want a yeast infection. No thanks. And besides, my man’s Dong Draper is so huge that if I tried this, all of the fruit would start coming out my ears and I’d look like bizarre, writhing version of the Chiquita banana chick.